(Hi!) Hello DanandPhilGAMES golf clubs! P: *imitates golf swish* D: Golf clubs? That’s not the most inventive thing you could say P: Well, what could I have done? Tees? Uh, cardigans? D: Pitches.. D: Pa– Caddylads. P: Caddylads? D: *laughs* I don’t know what I’m doing. P: And welcome to… Both: Golf With Friends! P: Which I thought sounded like the most boring thing ever, but loads of people have been requesting it. And it’s not actually about golf. D: It’s not like, one of those serious Tiger Woods *low robotic voice* realistic golf simulator P: It is about crazy golf! D: Crazy golf! P: Which is my favorite kind of golf P: You know in my family they called me “Tiger Lester” when we played crazy golf. D: Did they actually?! P: Yeah! They did! (D: Really? Really?) (P: They did, I’m so good at it) D: Well all that says is your family needs to get some culture and stop going on holiday to Orlando every year P: Orlando is the place of dreams! P: Also in America you may call it *bad American accent* mini golf D: Depending on how crazy it is P: Yeah. It’s pretty crazy though D: *chuckle* P: So today, because I’m so good at it, I thought we could do a *explosions* *undecipherable language* Dan versus Phil. D: *blows raspberry* D: *battle cry?* P: *points dramatically* And looking at your side of the board, you’ve done the same things I did in my university essays (D: so full right now) P: where you’ve spread it out P: You’ve used a double word spacing. D: I’ve been like D: font 11.5, (P: Yeah!) double space, (P: What is this?) here’s my ten page essay P: Well I’ve neatly tetrised them all in to make it all nice D: *Whale Noise* P: You’re only one ahead, Don’t let him fool you… (D: Well, “Tiger Lester”…)P: With that large…thing D: I think we’re all expecting great things from you. D: What are we playing for- (P: Well-) what the frick is that P: We are playing for this! *dramatic music* P: bum bu du dum D: I’m scared P: Yea it looks like it wants to drink your soul and eat your children. D: What did you search to find that? P: I *laughs* I searched happy golf ball D: Happy golf ball. P: *cartoony evil laugh* P: And not just that! We also have (D: [muttering] Jesus-) golf hats! D: What the he- those aren’t golf hats, (P: I’ve been so excited) those are like hats of golf (P: about this) D: We’re just the epitome of style right now, look at this WOO P: WOO P: Yours is all flat and mine is like a waterlogged pitch P: If you don’t know in golf you play for the lowest score possible (D: Wow, like my life) P: So the lowest amount of hits that your balls- in the holes, and before that our favourite part of any game – CUSTOMIZING YOUR BALLS D: Sign me the frick up, how can we do this? P: I’ll go first P: Go to customize (D: Right. Ooo, sliders) and I’m gonna have the brightest one possible (D: Okay- Ooo, red) because I don’t want to lose it (D: I don’t think that’s you, Phil) P: Wait wait wait D: Nah, you need to- you need to (P: Drop the red) drag that green one up P: aaah (D: ooh) P: oh- oh- (D: ooh) that is arousing me, there D: Wait a minute, down a bit, down a bit, down-yES that’s like your pastel gradient P: That is me! P: That is me in ball form (D: That is such a Phil ball form) P: Alright do yours. *sarcastically* I wonder what’s gonna happen now with Dan’s D: Oh, well, let’s see. Customized, we’ll just drag that down, (P: come on shock us all, Dan) drag that down, and drag that down. D: There we go! D: WOO! P: That is the saddest (D: GOLF!) golf ball I’ve ever seen (D: I relate) D: K, let’s do this, Phil P: Okay D: I have no idea how this game works D: or what I’m about to do P: Me neither, really! (D: But let’s see) D: Ok, here we are (P: Ooof!) our two little balls next to each other D: psyching (P: *chuckle* psyching each other out) each other out P: So we can do Forest, (D: Mhm, classic) P: *suave voice* Oasis, (D: interesting hmm) ooh P: *singing* da da da da da da da P: uh, Twilight! (D: bruh- ) Is Edward Cullen gonna climb out of the golf course (D: bruh, that’s ) and bite your ball? D: It looks more neon P: Yep D: looks like Riverdale P: Haunted (D: ooh spooked good) P: *high pitched* Candyland! (D: *barfs* D: Pastel Dan and Phil (P: Yeah) will be playing golf there P: Had enough of them D: Mmm P: I think we should just (D: Let’s start with the classic Forest) start with the classic Forest P: and if people enjoy this we can try the other ones D: Yes, let’s take it easy because we don’t know how terrible we are. YET, so P: Ok D: Right P: Let’s do this D: Let’s guuuu (“go”) D: Leeet’s golf! D: Boooom *Phil sings the impossible quiz theme tune that will haunt us forever* D: *realizes* N-no, Phil, Phil that (P: Oh, no. It’s still in my head!) song is banned forever D: banned literally forever D: This looks calming! P: Oh, nice! D: I could get behind this P: I’d be a bit afraid of bears that want to eat me. D: Totally P: What is your ball doing?! D: Woooow D: Get a room, balls P: Oh, it’s got- it’s inside mine D: my one is like (P: what is going on) chilling. Yours is like nooo D: maybe the blackness of mine is just too much to handle P: You’re infecting me D: Uh, right so, um, we don’t seem to be a person (P: no) D: or a golf club of any kind, just a ball P: Yeah. Having a look around, how pleasant! P: So, who’s gonna go first? D: You can go first P: Alright D: Alright, here we go D: Ohh, so this is your power meter, (P: You drag. You click and drag) okay. Now, aim P: I can see it there and I don’t think it needs that much power D: Phil is aiming right down the crack Both: here we go P: Smack! D: First shot of the day boom diddly omm (P: Come on! Come on!!) D: That was pretty good (P: Yeah, that was pretty good!) D: Okay D: I can get behind that, right D: Me, now D: I’m gonna use a bit more power than you P: th-that means you got inspired (D: BAM!) by what I did (D: BAM!) D: nOOOO. FRICK D: God, that was terrible! I blame the butterfly entirely! P: Alright (D: no) P: straight into the hole for Philly P: here we go P: OH! D: How did you mess that up? P: I don’t know! D: Oi (P: I didn’t need that much power) mate, mate, my go (P: alright) D: a bit less pow- D: Butterfly, (P: Smack the butterfly in the teeth) get out of my life D: wait wait wait OOOOOoooO0000p prepare yourself P: This is the one D: Is it? P: This is the ultimate shot P: Yes! D: “Bogey” (P: A Bogey!) What does that mean? D: Y’know something- Hang down, Phil, you need to control it P: *bad American accent* it’s a booger D: My power bar is black, I can get behind this D: Yes! *claps* Alright! P: Three all D: 3-3 oooh, “Tiger” (P: ooh *chuckle*) more like boring cat, am I right? P: hey! D: woOoOOoO P: Oh, this one is a bit wobbly P: I like a good wobbly vibe. I’m gonna go for it P: No- You go first this time! D: Do I have to? (P: yes) Oh, god (P: then I can learn from your mistakes) I dont know what to expect D: Right here we go. Zen, calm (P: hoo) I’m thinking about th-the- D: What’s the maths about shapes called? P:uhhh- D: geo- P: trigonometry D: Nope, that’s specifically triangles P: Algebra! D: Here we go! D: oh bit- P: NO! D: Just call me Dan, (P: what?!) t-the Cat Lord, never mind “tiger” P: Dan, the golden lion D: just call me Lion Forest P: *laughs* don’t distract me! (D: I’m helping. I’m helping you) No, smack! P: Ohhhh, come one, Jemima! P: Yes! P: Now, I get to swing my ball around D: Who or what is “Jemima”? P: I don’t know, but she helped me out (D: ok, this is tense) P: oh my god D: OH SHIT (P: What the hell is that?) shit just got real D: This is dramatic D: I don’t know what is happening; I’m scared D: Right, you first P: ok P: Watch out, lads D: Are you going to aim for the hole P: I don’t know! D: Or is the hole not the goal P: I-I think the hole is over a river or something, so I’m gonna not aim for the hole D: Phil is not aiming for the hole, people (P: woOP) ok P: aw I should have aimed for it (D: what was it?) P: I think there’s like a contraption or something that’ll send you over there (D: ooh right here we go) (P: noo) D: time for Danny to put it right in there P: Go on D: Ok I need to wait for the exact timing (P: NOW) this needs to be perfect P: BAM (P: slam) D: You shut up! right here we go P: Right this is it P: Sneaky Phil coming around the corner (D: this is just so refined(?)) P: Oh my god oh my god oh my god no P: Come on. P: come on! P: COME ON! P: nOOOOO! D: not today, (P: it is curved down though) loser alright here we go D: ultimate physics plan, bang bang biddly do P: aw knock mine in too *phil makes a strange purring noise lmao wtf* P: that was kind of sexy wasn’t it when it span around D: king of maths and calculations P: here we go, here we go! (D: nice to meet you) bink! D: that was pleasant (P: bogey) P: yeah in English a bogey is a booger P: one of the slight differences D: oooOOOOH six-seven to dan! P: shush! D: what the fruck is this! D: what is that! P: did you just say fruck D: there is no golf course that could actually des- that looks terrifying! P: that looks like it would kill a child D: if you did that in Florida you would be dead right now ok so I’m so tempt- ok im just gonna do this right D: climb up the gol- oooH smacked back that was traumatic P: Alright children. D: I thought I could like ride it into the sky. P: This is my chance. (D: *chuckle*) D: I wonder if there’s collision on our balls. P: SMACK! P: Come on. D: OHHHHH! That was so close. P: Oh! (D: Wait wait wait wait wait) P: Oh I can taste it! P: I can taste it! (D: *chuckle*) Nooo. D: And the chicken nugg was taken away from Phil’s mouth. P: The chicken nugg? D: Bam! P: What the Hell? D: B- nope, shitty motherfluffer.. D: Too powerful D: Literally bounced out of the hole. D: *low ogre voice* I’m too powerful! P: Alright, watch and learn, Danny boy. D: *chuckles* P: Bink! P: Par D: I think we all agree; Phil’s golf banter needs to be stopped. P: Hey, it’s how I win. P: Par means I did it how they- D: Sh- what the fuck was that?! D: Screw you. P: Go on. Both: Double bogey! D: *pretends to pull boogers out of his nose* P: What was I saying? Par means that I got it in the allotted thing that your meant to get it in, in. D: I have no idea what all these terms mean. It’s like when I’m watching tennis and they made a hard double love. P: Yeah. D: It’s like what the fuck does that mean, are they gonna make out? P: Don’t get me started on tennis (D: Sure) it makes no sense. P: Who’s going first now? D: *singing* Hole five, yooouuuu (P: Is it me?) yeah! P: Okay. D: Odd means you go first (P: Right.) because you’re odd. P: Ha! P: I also have a fondness for odd numbers (D: Do ya, okay.) Yeah, that’s why I like 2017. It’s got a nice vibe. D: Yeah, much better than 2016 (P: Yeah) feels quite futuristic. D: M’kay (P: Power.) You’ve got to go round the corner, Phil. P: What would Kanye West do? I think he would bounce off there, with a lot of power. D: And then go on a four half hour rant to (something? idk what he said there) (P: yeah) P: SPIK P: OOH (D: OOOHhhh) P: Ohhhhhhh D: They called you “nearly but not quite” Phil! (P: oof) D: When everybody finishes their f-rounds,(P: *chuckles*) and goes to the golf club, and has a beer, and complains about all of the people that are just using their memberships to socialize in the golf club and they’re not actually playing golf (P: What are you talking about?) they’re just there for the bar! D: They’re all saying, “Phil, the not-quite-there guy.” P: Well, go on be the “quite there” guy! Let’s see it, Dan! D: I will! P: Bring it! D:Are you ready? P: BRING IT! P: BRING IT! D: *singing* boom boom boom lemme hear you say way-o f*ck f*ck D: WAIT! (P: *laughing*)OK HERE WE GO! P: OH! IT’S GOING! D: *singing* The power of- *starts trying to blow the ball into the hole* D: *failing* D: SHIT! P: I’ve actually blown the ball in a golf club P: ……and that’s not cheating D: Cheating P: It’s not cheating. D: See we love mini golf, cause it’s just kinda cute and quaint, and it doesn’t really (P:KABLAM!) matter. D: Do you have ANY interest in “big boy” golf? P: No! (D: No.) Looks like you just gotta drag a thing around with you, unless you get someone to drag it for you, and then that’s a bit like, uhh…it’s a bit awkward. D: I’m in it for the whole kink of somebody cute, carrying your things But, other than that I just… it just seems like exercise. P: And its sort of like you just WHACK and see what happens D: Bit too formal (P: Yeah) yeah, Phil doesn’t like to whack it and see what happens (P: no) like the plan hes whacking. P: I like to plan a whack. D: Right! (P: How are we doing?) 11-12 P: OH! (D: shoot) P: Oh no, that’s good for me! D: yep, it is, (P: alright!) that’s how golf works. (P: alright, ok!) P: Here we go. D: Im finding this video quite refined and relaxing and funny at the same time. D: I hope- like, use this as an excuse to- pour yourself some sparking water and just go ‘mm, yes, today I am watching some golf commentary. P: Yes lets do it (D: *sips sparking water) how intellectual. P: Oh, even Oh no I’ve pr- I’ve already pressed the mouse P: I”m just gonna hold my mouse (D: No, I can go, I can go.) Go! D: Right, here we go D: It looks like it’s just a straight line P: Oh, it’s not gonna be a straight line, is it D: Bu– NOOO *Phil laughs* That’s so unfair that I went first P: Now I know the river’s there! P: Come on……. P: Gladus! P: Ooh! *Dan laughs and claps* D: I was holding my breath, like, “He’s gonna do it, I can’t believe he’s gonna do it.” P: Oh my god remember in Florida when you actually knocked it into the river and had to go wade into the water (D: I went on like an epic quest to go get it) D: It was amazing (P: It was so funny.) D: Alright alright, how much power did you use? P: I’m not telling you! D: Alright here we go, I think this should (P: Less!) clear it… D: YE– P: WHAT? D: That didn’t even bounce back P: That was… D: That was STRAIGHT in the hole. P: That was so satisfying. D: Damn, that’s like *holds up 4 fingers* 100% chance of pregnancy P: Right, what are you talking about D: Good swimmers. P: Go! D: Oh, Phil. P: Oh, oh oh oh oh ohh hh D: *waggles finger* The line wasn’t straight! P: NOOOO D: No hole in one for you, mate. P: This is a hole in one D: Well, no I mean like whatever you do now it’s gonna be two P: It’s a bogey D: Oooh D: Back to being 14! P: 14 all! 14 all! We’re fine. P: We’re fine! D: I like that it’s called “Golf with Friends” P: Yeah *laughs* D: Really it’s just “Golf with FRIEND”. D: Because there’s no one else. P: Yep. *silence* D: What is this? P: That– D: Firstly, that butterfly is flying backwards P: He needs to stop. D: That butterfly… D: Now it’s flying forwards.